Dangit

I have had 4 day 1s in a row.. so now I am just going to take a time out from obsessing about restricting my food to an appropriate amount. I am such a food addict. This morning the cravings started at 7am. I finished off a half roll of leftover cookie dough, then at about 8am I went to the grocery store for cinnamon rolls but walked around wondering what I should eat for 10 minutes (the best part... the chase). I decided to get hot food from the grocery store bar including grits, biscuits, french toast and hashbrowns, all carbs. I get home, get yelled at by the boyfriend for eating badly but don't really care. He asks how he can help. Just let me do my thing, let me hit my bottom. I went apartment hunting and got candy at ever site, which was great. I got to go to my favorite restaurant in the entire world for Italian, and I got spaghetti and meatballs. Bad choice, I like white sauce, I should stick to what I know I like. I only like my mom's spaghetti sauce. Ate that. Then got pink berry and went out with a friend. I get home and go to the same grocery store for that day.. and get ice cream and a snickers for the ride home. I have already ate one bowl, soon going for the second. I called my mentor I told her I have no desire to watch what I eat tomorrow. She said she was sad to hear that but understood. I told her maybe I could call her later this week when I am better and wanting to get this more. Rough day. I did not throw up... unintentionally like I some times do when I eat so much I get so full that I throw up by accident. I want to hit my bottom. Urrr. Where is it? I am going to write the pros vs the cons of eating badly. The pros of eating badly are it tasting good, its a drug for me. The cons are I gain weight (15 pounds in 10 days), I can't fit into anything, I'm mean, I cannot control it, I become insane, I want to sleep, I don't want to see my friends, I cannot commit to anything, I'm lazy, I get uncomfortably full often, I throw up because I am so uncomfortably full, etc. It is never ending. I was 45 clean of bad foods. The withdrawal sucks.. but it's only like 4 or 5 days long.  Bed for me. Hope to get it some day!

Day 1-attempt 4

I relapsed tonight at 7pm after thinking about food all day, but knowing I wouldn't be able to work once I started to eat badly. Made it to 7pm and then stopped at Bojangles to get sweets, ate them on the road, followed by Salsaritas to get salts. I have a 40 minute ride home and finished both in that car ride. Came home, made cake, ate the batter while it was cooking. Then I put together ice cream, cake, and cookies left over from yesterday. I may quit my food plan. I want to research binge eating disorder and see what type of treatment I can get. Even though, I was abstinent and 45 days! I lost 17 pounds and have already gained back 15 of them. I felt disgusting at work. I was sweating more than I usually do, wearing frumpy looking clothes, and avoiding everyone. I want to turn my cell phone off and isolate. Today I hate life and I don't want to get back on the eating well wagon. I'd say I don't know how to but I have done it before. I wish I never would have relapsed at day 45. Dangit!

Day 1-attempt 3

I failed at 7pm and the craving was not even that big. What the heck? I am so mad. My friend told me to feel out all the emotions before I picked up but I didn't. I knew I would feel guilty but that cookie dough I thought would taste so good so I took the bite. I read my big book today and did quiet time and I still didn't make it. I made phone calls to my friends to. I was worrying about my ex for a few minutes today and maybe the feeling of worry helped me to eat. Day 1 is again tomorrow but I am not as confident as I was for today. I am really disappointed in myself.

Was day 43

So I was pretty abstinent and relapsed today. Went to target with the frame of mind to relapse. I even bought a reeses bar so I could relapse before I got home so I wouldn't chicken out while making my cookies. I feel so sick. Sweets make your crave salts. I texted my ex and asked him to come over and help me because I was a mess. My stomach kills. I am in pain. I want to never do this again and start my abstinence over again tomorrow. I wish I could pinpoint what happened, what went wrong but I do not know. I am thinking I went relationship to relationship and then to food today. I had a breakup one week ago and I guess it didn't hit me until today. The cookie dough, pizza and reeses didn't even taste good. I have called my support group to talk about it and I hope to start over tomorrow. I so a great weight on Friday and am scared I have gained 10 pounds with my binge today. I gave my scale to my roommate for the time being so I don't obsess. It sucks.

Around day 30

I am doing well with this new healthy lifestyle. I am eager to start exercising but I have barely anymore weight to lose, so why would I want to exercise? I want to tighten up, I mean I have lost some weight but it still isn't tight and firm. Sounds seductive but I mean it in a natural way.

I have decided that I love eggplant. I am still eating butternut squash but I get scared because it is a starch vegetable, so I wonder is it making me gain more? Anyways, I am glad the weight is coming off, fast too but more importantly, I am excited that my insane thinking has decreased to almost none. I don't hate myself either. I don't nap because I am so disappointed that I had a whole batch of cookie dough. I am definitely enjoying this new lifestyle.

Hamburgers/ground beef are delicious. I still haven't aced making chicken, but it's coming. Right now I am eating ground chicken and ground turkey a lot. I am also eating tuna with some mayo which I would eat every day but I know the mayo is a bad fat so I try to have it only a few times a week.

Another new favorite, the farmers market, love it. I spend about $18 in getting my fruits and veggies for the week so mostly just go to the store for meats. I am also loving my support system and people who are doing similar programs to what I am doing.

I am trying to avoid the questions at work, are you on a diet, do you not eat a lot, are you trying to lose weight. Or, we know you cannot go to lunch but we are celebrating.. a baby shower or a birthday, etc. So they know I try to eat well but I am not sure if they know why. Well they don't know why. I weighed myself last week too, and I have lost 14 pounds. I am starting to look in the mirror and think I look okay. Taken me a long time to get here. Being this clear headed, I find a lot of flaws with other people. It's interesting not obsessing about myself.

Day 20-30

I am trying not to count days because it just makes it a bigger deal and I don't want this to be a big deal. This is my new lifestyle. It's hard staying up past ten recently because I get low on energy. I am scared to start working out again because I am only consuming so many calories, that I cannot imagine having calories leave my body. I talked about it with my support and realized I am going to eat more when I work out. I also realized that if I am going to work out, it needs to be for appropriate reasons and not to lose more weight. For example, to get more fit, to stay healthy, to relieve stress.

I have lost some weight, I never really was that big but I have lost 14 pounds in one month which makes me happy. I can fit into most of my old clothes, and am able to put away some of my bigger sizes. I am not in the mood to be mean anymore because I really like myself. My naps are shorter when I even feel like taking them. I am liking this new lifestyle.

Day 14

Tomorrow I get to weigh myself for the first time. I am scared. Had a great meeting tonight with some fellow suffers who have had the same struggle as me. I am so glad that others have been through this. I made steak this week and it was five dollars and only got a serving and a half so I have realized that meat is expensive. Fruits are expensive too. I cut a whole pineapple and that didn't go well. I got two servings and it was very messy. I should have just bought the stuff in the container with the already cut pineapple. I have decided not to eat ranch because it is killing my stomach. I am so glad I have not had a craving in a few days.

Went to a baby shower at work today but came fashionably late and left a little early. So I didn't have to explain to anyone why I wasn't eating because obviously I had work to do at the office.

So I nervous to weigh in tomorrow. I want it to be a big number but with my scale I always add four pounds, because I have had this same scale for so long that when I weighed at the gym or doctors office it was always four pounds higher. Wish me luck tomorrow.

Maybe day 11 or day 12

I didn't want too much pressure and comparison so I am not counting the days like I usually do. For example, I relapsed day 13 last time and I don't want to have the thought in my head, hey day 13 is coming up you are going to relapse.

Anyways, today was a rough day. My work is setting up a baby shower, and I had to listen to people talk about sweets, chocolate, and cake. I really wanted some. And the party is Thursday. So I went through work all day, day dreaming about what I was going to eat when I got home at 5pm. Luckily, by the time I got home at 5pm the craving passed.

I am doing all right. Told a slight lie to someone today to get out of something and kind of feel guilty but blame it on.. the chocolate cravings. When I am in craving mode or eating badly mode then I start to have negative behaviors like lying, being sneaky, etc. I lied today because I was obsessed over cookie dough. Tomorrow will be better.

day 10

Day 10

Things have been going well. I have decided pork is not a good buy because you lose all of the meat when you cook it and it is a pretty rough meat (or maybe I am just a terrible cook). I decided today that I do not like Okra. I remember liking it once a few years ago but it was fried and battered so that it probably why. My cravings have not been too bad and hopefully the sugar and flour are on their way out of my body.

Today I went to the mall, and they have so many good smells. I smelled glazed cashews, ice cream, waffle bowls and chicken. I was not ready to go to the mall apparently. I know right now not to go to the movies unless I am with a really safe person who I know won't get candy and popcorn. But I cannot go to the mall just yet either because I am really wanting a bad food. It is not a huge craving but I think "ya know it would be nice to eat one of those again".

I haven't been writing much because I started a new job and am exhausted after work. I am liking the new job. My coworkers wonder why I eat so well and still look well. I am thinking trust me when I eat poorly I bloat up and look disgusting. The first place I notice it when I eat badly is under my chin and my sides.

day 4-attempt 2

I had a pretty solid day in terms of cravings. I wanted cookie dough once or twice but not for a long period of time like day two. I realized while sitting around my boyfriend, that I cannot be around him when he is eating bad foods just yet. I don't want to control the way he eats or eats in front of me so I will just step aside and go in another room when he eats bad foods.

Another great thing I realized today is that I fit into a lot of my clothes. I know its just day 4 but I know if I stick with this healthy eating thing that I won't have to have size 2, 4, 6, 8, 10, and 12 and wear different clothes on different days depending how I ate the day before. Am I making sense? It will be exciting when I don't have to try my clothes on the night before I wear them to see if they fit. And possibly even throw all my "fat clothes" or bigger sizes away. Looking forward to it.

I start my new job tomorrow and I am excited but nervous about eating lunch. I hope they don't bring pizza for orientation for us newbies and we can eat our own food. I plan on bringing a lunch and hope for a refrigerator. I am excited to wear dress clothes over jeans and tshirts because dress clothes are a lot more comfortable to me. I doubt everyone else does, because I know a ton of people who find jeans so comfortable but I don't see it. Wish me luck.

Day 13

Or what would have been day 13 I relapsed. But it was not like a full on "I am having a craving relapse." It was more of a ya know, I am not ready for this lifestyle change yet and especially when I am sitting at my mom's house who constantly talks about food. I am not sure if she is a food addict but I know where I got my sweet tooth. So I was in the grocery store after I had been vacationing in Ohio for about 10 hours and decided to tell my boyfriend, "I am going to relapse on sugar." He, of course, was not happy which made me scared for a minute if I should do it or not. However, I felt that this relapse would not be a hardcore binge relapse just a I am going back to eating poorly relapse. The next question that comes to mind is this for a few days or forever. Well I don't need to know the answer to that right now, but today I am going to eat badly. Do I feel bad? I do not feel disappointed, like I thought I would, or if I had a full on relapse on a craving of cookie dough. But I am a little mad and scared of my boyfriend leaving me. I called my sponsor to tell her but I am not sure how she will handle it.


So what I made? Did I make cookie dough, my number one craving. No, I made caramel squares, which is caramel, chocolate chips, oatmeal and then of course, flour, butter, and sugar. They were delicious. And I had a lot more than one. So my goal is to finish off this vacation, gain a few pounds sadly, and get back on track in Charlotte, NC when I get home. I somewhat want to blame my mom for having a sweet tooth and continuously talking about food but its not her fault. I could have made it. I am so glad my boyfriend supports me, and even though I hate that he is disappointed, it shows he cares. He gets it. He gets me. I am scared and it totally stinks that I have to go through the sugar detox again. But I did 12 days before so I am sure I can do even more next time.

Were there any feelings that I was feeling that caused me to eat? Honestly, no, but I think I did it so that I would do it now instead of later. I know I am not making sense but a relapse of just eating badly is better than a binge relapse of 5000 calories in less than an hour. A true person obsessed with food would understand that. It's progress not perfection, and I made it 13 days. I secretly weighed myself too and lost about 6 pounds in 13 days which is incredible. I am pretty close to my goal weigh because I have watched my weight and exercised off any bad foods for the past two years. It is what it is. I will get back on track.

Day 11

Day 11

I am in an irrational state before you start to read this. I started to crave cookie dough today around 3pm when I had a conversation about "my eating well plan" with a friend, and I tried to explain to her that I am really addicted to cookie dough. I had this thought in my head about cookies and it wouldn't go away. So I decided to take a nap to get rid of the craving. It worked for the time being and then it was time for dinner. Green beans, salad, and a turkey burger, yummy. The craving came back a little bit and I told my roommate, " I am craving cookie dough." He said don't eat it. I then went to a meeting with friends to get rid of the cookie dough thoughts. I had the number 11 written on my hand and told my friend about my new journey. I told her I was craving cookie dough but like everyone else I don't think she "got it".

So I was driving home from the meeting and decided to go home. I prayed in the car to make the obsession for these foods to go awy. I texted a friend in FA and asked if she could talk but noone likes to talk this late. I was able to go get my computer because I thought I was going to write. Of course, my thoughts would not stop and off to the grocery store I went. How the whole process works for me is very slowly because I liked to be talked out of it. I could have got cookie dough but no I wanted to make it homemade, from scratch. Knowing I have recently given my dad all my baking goods and beaters. I got flour, sugar, brown sugar, eggs and butter, and knew I wanted some ice cream to go with it, I mean hey if I am going to binge I should go all out.

I get home, make the dough and wait. I wait for my phone to ring or for someone to stop me. I wait for my boyfriend to threaten our relationship, "I am going to break up with you if you eat cookie dough." Sad but true but food is a huge issue in my life and therefore, our relationship. I then made cookies but still had not even licked my fingers. I talked to him and told him I had not ate any yet and asked him to come over. He said "I am not responsible for your happiness." True but I wanted to be held so bad.

Next, my guy roommate walks in with a date and she asks all sorts of questions. I blurt out, "I have an eating disorder and don't want to talk about it, eat my cookies." She then said "can't you have just one." Oh, I wanted to punch her.. well not really but yell at her. Off I came up to my room to write and am going to attempt to go to bed. My roommate knows the routine and will throw it all out by morning. Down the drain $14 for a one hour event of something that didn't even happen. Luckily, I have day 12 tomorrow hopefully and a great story to tell on how I almost relapsed.

I feel this is due to the feelings of nervous, anxious, curious on how my trip to Ohio will go because I'm bringing the boyfriend home to meet my family. I am excited too but anxious at the same time. I am especially anxious I am going to relapse in Ohio anyways, so why not do it here on a Friday night when I am alone and lonely anyways. Oh forgot to mention, I weighed myself before I almost binged and have only lost a few pounds. My sponsor says I'll weigh after Ohio. Off to bed, prayer works I guess because I didn't binge today.

Day 8

Day 8

Yesterday was such a hard day and I made it through. My boyfriend and I almost broke up because I decided to be mean to him because I was craving cookie dough. I called my FA friend and she helped me get through it. I really appreciate their help. Then when we semi broke up I didn't want to eat. I called my FA friend and said what do I do if I feel too sick to eat. She told me to get down as much as possible, which is exactly what I did.

So today was an easier day and not many cravings. I cooked a lot of stuff and have a new found liking for Butternut Squash, yummy. I bought a new scale too because my four dollar scale was getting burnt out. It was the kind that had the weighing cup connected to the scale, and I was not going to deal with that when I was weighing 10 things I day. I realized I have been in for 8 days, which is not an impulse buy of something I don't need, so I spent thirty bucks on a digital scale. I thought it was a good investment, plus it's Target, I can return it if it doesn't work out.

Day 6

Day 6

Holy Crap. I made it to day 6. Today I had a dilemma of when to eat my dinner. I ate lunch at 1pm while I was at work and knew I had a kickball game at 5:45 so was unsure if I should eat before so I had energy and would not be lightheaded in 90 degree weather or after the game so that I would be able to make it to my next meal. My sponsor told me to sit out and not play, but I was not going to do that. So I decided after the game was going to be the best bet but to prepare my food before dinner.

It all worked out. I had energy during the game and made it home in time for my dinner. I only can eat between five and seven at night. This program is very strict but it obviously works because I am on Day 6!

I asked my sponsor when I am weighing in and she said once a month. Oh my gosh, just one time a month. How am I going to stay motivated when I can't get on the scale? The scale has been my closest friend for several years, it told me when I could wear "sexy" clothes and when I needed to diet again. I only would wear tank tops out in public when I weighed a certain weight. I know I am obsessed with weight too. I am trying to get rid of this obsession.

Made my food for tomorrow, breakfast and lunch. I am so tired because I am used to running around all day eating on two, three, four thousand calories so this is a change.

Day 3

Day 3

I have no idea how I made it this far. I past day one, and day two, that didn't happen last time. Maybe my "bottom" was low enough. I am so proud yet I am having a craving right now for cookie dough. I got a sponsor and she said to pray. I am praying to get rid of the obsession of not only food, but cookie dough. Go away thoughts about cookie dough! 

I am surprised I didn't go through a big withdrawal of sugar. I heard I would be shaking and feeling sick but I do feel sick but find it is because I am shrinking my stomach to a normal person's eating habits. 

I am going to try to get pass this craving. I am going to nap so maybe my next meal will come sooner. Salad, squash, and chicken. 

The last resort

6-20
I realized, as in any addiction, that I cannot control it. I gave myself one more chance before I completed would give up: accept this fate that I was going to eat what I wanted and continue to gain weight or give FA a try. I knew back in September when I attended that meeting that I had not "hit my bottom", but this time I knew I  had. I have completely lost control of my ability to eat well, eat what I wanted, stop eating, etc. I believe I am addicted to sugar. I don't necessarily have this huge desire for salt on a daily basis, but when I have enough sugar I crave salts. I love cookie dough, pancakes, chocolate, candy, cinnamon rolls, and pretty much anything sweet. I am ready to get this under control. I am miserable, sad, disappointed, embarrassed and worried. I know my food addiction is affecting the people around me and soon I will lose everything. I have been to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting before, and heard people say "I will die from this disease," but I completely agree that "I will die from food addiction." The past 10 years I have worried about my weight. I have never really been huge. I have always been about 10 to 25 pounds overweight, and I am 5'2 so it doesn't look the greatest on me. The next question is probably, why do you think you have a food issue if you are only a few pounds over weight. Well, I have watched what I ate the past 10 years back and forth  between, exercise, eat whatever I want, eat badly, eat well, exercise, back and forth. Let me make myself clear, I continuously tried to manage my weight by eating well and exercising and would drop the weight. But, then I would reward myself and eat whatever I wanted until I gained the weight back. Basically I have lost 20 pounds 4 times since I went to college 6 years ago. I can lose weight pretty fast and then gain it back a few months later. Then I get disappointed that I couldn't maintain, and go into "eat healthy mode" again. So I realized and told myself that FA worked for some and if I couldn't control it one last time, I would try this. So here is goes. I was in FA in September for 3 weeks so I had a pretty solid idea of what I was up against. I knew I needed a sponsor, and she would tell me what to eat. I knew it was three meals, and that I would be eating protein, veggies, fruits and grains. I remember some of the food tasted bad and the cravings were crazy. I am not going to base this experience on last because I will fail if I compare it to my failure last year. The goal is to stay "abstinent", I know what you are thinking, no sex, but no it is pertaining to sugar or flour. I am thinking this time is going to be tough. Let the adventures begin.

The last chance

9-25-2010


I attended a Food Addicts Anonymous meeting which I found intriguing but not for me. I was very jealous of these women who could eat a strict diet for years at a time and only have three meals a day. I knew I would not be able to do this but seemed very similar to these ladies. I decided one last time I would be able to control my eating. I decided I would eat a treat when I felt like it and would continue to exercise often so that I could maintain. I wanted to continue to lose but was okay maintaining so I was going to stick to the maintenance phase.