Day 13

Or what would have been day 13 I relapsed. But it was not like a full on "I am having a craving relapse." It was more of a ya know, I am not ready for this lifestyle change yet and especially when I am sitting at my mom's house who constantly talks about food. I am not sure if she is a food addict but I know where I got my sweet tooth. So I was in the grocery store after I had been vacationing in Ohio for about 10 hours and decided to tell my boyfriend, "I am going to relapse on sugar." He, of course, was not happy which made me scared for a minute if I should do it or not. However, I felt that this relapse would not be a hardcore binge relapse just a I am going back to eating poorly relapse. The next question that comes to mind is this for a few days or forever. Well I don't need to know the answer to that right now, but today I am going to eat badly. Do I feel bad? I do not feel disappointed, like I thought I would, or if I had a full on relapse on a craving of cookie dough. But I am a little mad and scared of my boyfriend leaving me. I called my sponsor to tell her but I am not sure how she will handle it.


So what I made? Did I make cookie dough, my number one craving. No, I made caramel squares, which is caramel, chocolate chips, oatmeal and then of course, flour, butter, and sugar. They were delicious. And I had a lot more than one. So my goal is to finish off this vacation, gain a few pounds sadly, and get back on track in Charlotte, NC when I get home. I somewhat want to blame my mom for having a sweet tooth and continuously talking about food but its not her fault. I could have made it. I am so glad my boyfriend supports me, and even though I hate that he is disappointed, it shows he cares. He gets it. He gets me. I am scared and it totally stinks that I have to go through the sugar detox again. But I did 12 days before so I am sure I can do even more next time.

Were there any feelings that I was feeling that caused me to eat? Honestly, no, but I think I did it so that I would do it now instead of later. I know I am not making sense but a relapse of just eating badly is better than a binge relapse of 5000 calories in less than an hour. A true person obsessed with food would understand that. It's progress not perfection, and I made it 13 days. I secretly weighed myself too and lost about 6 pounds in 13 days which is incredible. I am pretty close to my goal weigh because I have watched my weight and exercised off any bad foods for the past two years. It is what it is. I will get back on track.