Day 11

Day 11

I am in an irrational state before you start to read this. I started to crave cookie dough today around 3pm when I had a conversation about "my eating well plan" with a friend, and I tried to explain to her that I am really addicted to cookie dough. I had this thought in my head about cookies and it wouldn't go away. So I decided to take a nap to get rid of the craving. It worked for the time being and then it was time for dinner. Green beans, salad, and a turkey burger, yummy. The craving came back a little bit and I told my roommate, " I am craving cookie dough." He said don't eat it. I then went to a meeting with friends to get rid of the cookie dough thoughts. I had the number 11 written on my hand and told my friend about my new journey. I told her I was craving cookie dough but like everyone else I don't think she "got it".

So I was driving home from the meeting and decided to go home. I prayed in the car to make the obsession for these foods to go awy. I texted a friend in FA and asked if she could talk but noone likes to talk this late. I was able to go get my computer because I thought I was going to write. Of course, my thoughts would not stop and off to the grocery store I went. How the whole process works for me is very slowly because I liked to be talked out of it. I could have got cookie dough but no I wanted to make it homemade, from scratch. Knowing I have recently given my dad all my baking goods and beaters. I got flour, sugar, brown sugar, eggs and butter, and knew I wanted some ice cream to go with it, I mean hey if I am going to binge I should go all out.

I get home, make the dough and wait. I wait for my phone to ring or for someone to stop me. I wait for my boyfriend to threaten our relationship, "I am going to break up with you if you eat cookie dough." Sad but true but food is a huge issue in my life and therefore, our relationship. I then made cookies but still had not even licked my fingers. I talked to him and told him I had not ate any yet and asked him to come over. He said "I am not responsible for your happiness." True but I wanted to be held so bad.

Next, my guy roommate walks in with a date and she asks all sorts of questions. I blurt out, "I have an eating disorder and don't want to talk about it, eat my cookies." She then said "can't you have just one." Oh, I wanted to punch her.. well not really but yell at her. Off I came up to my room to write and am going to attempt to go to bed. My roommate knows the routine and will throw it all out by morning. Down the drain $14 for a one hour event of something that didn't even happen. Luckily, I have day 12 tomorrow hopefully and a great story to tell on how I almost relapsed.

I feel this is due to the feelings of nervous, anxious, curious on how my trip to Ohio will go because I'm bringing the boyfriend home to meet my family. I am excited too but anxious at the same time. I am especially anxious I am going to relapse in Ohio anyways, so why not do it here on a Friday night when I am alone and lonely anyways. Oh forgot to mention, I weighed myself before I almost binged and have only lost a few pounds. My sponsor says I'll weigh after Ohio. Off to bed, prayer works I guess because I didn't binge today.