Tomorrow I get to weigh myself for the first time. I am scared. Had a great meeting tonight with some fellow suffers who have had the same struggle as me. I am so glad that others have been through this. I made steak this week and it was five dollars and only got a serving and a half so I have realized that meat is expensive. Fruits are expensive too. I cut a whole pineapple and that didn't go well. I got two servings and it was very messy. I should have just bought the stuff in the container with the already cut pineapple. I have decided not to eat ranch because it is killing my stomach. I am so glad I have not had a craving in a few days.
Went to a baby shower at work today but came fashionably late and left a little early. So I didn't have to explain to anyone why I wasn't eating because obviously I had work to do at the office.
So I nervous to weigh in tomorrow. I want it to be a big number but with my scale I always add four pounds, because I have had this same scale for so long that when I weighed at the gym or doctors office it was always four pounds higher. Wish me luck tomorrow.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Monday, July 18, 2011
Maybe day 11 or day 12
I didn't want too much pressure and comparison so I am not counting the days like I usually do. For example, I relapsed day 13 last time and I don't want to have the thought in my head, hey day 13 is coming up you are going to relapse.
Anyways, today was a rough day. My work is setting up a baby shower, and I had to listen to people talk about sweets, chocolate, and cake. I really wanted some. And the party is Thursday. So I went through work all day, day dreaming about what I was going to eat when I got home at 5pm. Luckily, by the time I got home at 5pm the craving passed.
I am doing all right. Told a slight lie to someone today to get out of something and kind of feel guilty but blame it on.. the chocolate cravings. When I am in craving mode or eating badly mode then I start to have negative behaviors like lying, being sneaky, etc. I lied today because I was obsessed over cookie dough. Tomorrow will be better.
Anyways, today was a rough day. My work is setting up a baby shower, and I had to listen to people talk about sweets, chocolate, and cake. I really wanted some. And the party is Thursday. So I went through work all day, day dreaming about what I was going to eat when I got home at 5pm. Luckily, by the time I got home at 5pm the craving passed.
I am doing all right. Told a slight lie to someone today to get out of something and kind of feel guilty but blame it on.. the chocolate cravings. When I am in craving mode or eating badly mode then I start to have negative behaviors like lying, being sneaky, etc. I lied today because I was obsessed over cookie dough. Tomorrow will be better.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
day 10
Day 10
Things have been going well. I have decided pork is not a good buy because you lose all of the meat when you cook it and it is a pretty rough meat (or maybe I am just a terrible cook). I decided today that I do not like Okra. I remember liking it once a few years ago but it was fried and battered so that it probably why. My cravings have not been too bad and hopefully the sugar and flour are on their way out of my body.
Today I went to the mall, and they have so many good smells. I smelled glazed cashews, ice cream, waffle bowls and chicken. I was not ready to go to the mall apparently. I know right now not to go to the movies unless I am with a really safe person who I know won't get candy and popcorn. But I cannot go to the mall just yet either because I am really wanting a bad food. It is not a huge craving but I think "ya know it would be nice to eat one of those again".
I haven't been writing much because I started a new job and am exhausted after work. I am liking the new job. My coworkers wonder why I eat so well and still look well. I am thinking trust me when I eat poorly I bloat up and look disgusting. The first place I notice it when I eat badly is under my chin and my sides.
Things have been going well. I have decided pork is not a good buy because you lose all of the meat when you cook it and it is a pretty rough meat (or maybe I am just a terrible cook). I decided today that I do not like Okra. I remember liking it once a few years ago but it was fried and battered so that it probably why. My cravings have not been too bad and hopefully the sugar and flour are on their way out of my body.
Today I went to the mall, and they have so many good smells. I smelled glazed cashews, ice cream, waffle bowls and chicken. I was not ready to go to the mall apparently. I know right now not to go to the movies unless I am with a really safe person who I know won't get candy and popcorn. But I cannot go to the mall just yet either because I am really wanting a bad food. It is not a huge craving but I think "ya know it would be nice to eat one of those again".
I haven't been writing much because I started a new job and am exhausted after work. I am liking the new job. My coworkers wonder why I eat so well and still look well. I am thinking trust me when I eat poorly I bloat up and look disgusting. The first place I notice it when I eat badly is under my chin and my sides.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
day 4-attempt 2
I had a pretty solid day in terms of cravings. I wanted cookie dough once or twice but not for a long period of time like day two. I realized while sitting around my boyfriend, that I cannot be around him when he is eating bad foods just yet. I don't want to control the way he eats or eats in front of me so I will just step aside and go in another room when he eats bad foods.
Another great thing I realized today is that I fit into a lot of my clothes. I know its just day 4 but I know if I stick with this healthy eating thing that I won't have to have size 2, 4, 6, 8, 10, and 12 and wear different clothes on different days depending how I ate the day before. Am I making sense? It will be exciting when I don't have to try my clothes on the night before I wear them to see if they fit. And possibly even throw all my "fat clothes" or bigger sizes away. Looking forward to it.
I start my new job tomorrow and I am excited but nervous about eating lunch. I hope they don't bring pizza for orientation for us newbies and we can eat our own food. I plan on bringing a lunch and hope for a refrigerator. I am excited to wear dress clothes over jeans and tshirts because dress clothes are a lot more comfortable to me. I doubt everyone else does, because I know a ton of people who find jeans so comfortable but I don't see it. Wish me luck.
Another great thing I realized today is that I fit into a lot of my clothes. I know its just day 4 but I know if I stick with this healthy eating thing that I won't have to have size 2, 4, 6, 8, 10, and 12 and wear different clothes on different days depending how I ate the day before. Am I making sense? It will be exciting when I don't have to try my clothes on the night before I wear them to see if they fit. And possibly even throw all my "fat clothes" or bigger sizes away. Looking forward to it.
I start my new job tomorrow and I am excited but nervous about eating lunch. I hope they don't bring pizza for orientation for us newbies and we can eat our own food. I plan on bringing a lunch and hope for a refrigerator. I am excited to wear dress clothes over jeans and tshirts because dress clothes are a lot more comfortable to me. I doubt everyone else does, because I know a ton of people who find jeans so comfortable but I don't see it. Wish me luck.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Day 13
Or what would have been day 13 I relapsed. But it was not like a full on "I am having a craving relapse." It was more of a ya know, I am not ready for this lifestyle change yet and especially when I am sitting at my mom's house who constantly talks about food. I am not sure if she is a food addict but I know where I got my sweet tooth. So I was in the grocery store after I had been vacationing in Ohio for about 10 hours and decided to tell my boyfriend, "I am going to relapse on sugar." He, of course, was not happy which made me scared for a minute if I should do it or not. However, I felt that this relapse would not be a hardcore binge relapse just a I am going back to eating poorly relapse. The next question that comes to mind is this for a few days or forever. Well I don't need to know the answer to that right now, but today I am going to eat badly. Do I feel bad? I do not feel disappointed, like I thought I would, or if I had a full on relapse on a craving of cookie dough. But I am a little mad and scared of my boyfriend leaving me. I called my sponsor to tell her but I am not sure how she will handle it.
So what I made? Did I make cookie dough, my number one craving. No, I made caramel squares, which is caramel, chocolate chips, oatmeal and then of course, flour, butter, and sugar. They were delicious. And I had a lot more than one. So my goal is to finish off this vacation, gain a few pounds sadly, and get back on track in Charlotte, NC when I get home. I somewhat want to blame my mom for having a sweet tooth and continuously talking about food but its not her fault. I could have made it. I am so glad my boyfriend supports me, and even though I hate that he is disappointed, it shows he cares. He gets it. He gets me. I am scared and it totally stinks that I have to go through the sugar detox again. But I did 12 days before so I am sure I can do even more next time.
Were there any feelings that I was feeling that caused me to eat? Honestly, no, but I think I did it so that I would do it now instead of later. I know I am not making sense but a relapse of just eating badly is better than a binge relapse of 5000 calories in less than an hour. A true person obsessed with food would understand that. It's progress not perfection, and I made it 13 days. I secretly weighed myself too and lost about 6 pounds in 13 days which is incredible. I am pretty close to my goal weigh because I have watched my weight and exercised off any bad foods for the past two years. It is what it is. I will get back on track.
So what I made? Did I make cookie dough, my number one craving. No, I made caramel squares, which is caramel, chocolate chips, oatmeal and then of course, flour, butter, and sugar. They were delicious. And I had a lot more than one. So my goal is to finish off this vacation, gain a few pounds sadly, and get back on track in Charlotte, NC when I get home. I somewhat want to blame my mom for having a sweet tooth and continuously talking about food but its not her fault. I could have made it. I am so glad my boyfriend supports me, and even though I hate that he is disappointed, it shows he cares. He gets it. He gets me. I am scared and it totally stinks that I have to go through the sugar detox again. But I did 12 days before so I am sure I can do even more next time.
Were there any feelings that I was feeling that caused me to eat? Honestly, no, but I think I did it so that I would do it now instead of later. I know I am not making sense but a relapse of just eating badly is better than a binge relapse of 5000 calories in less than an hour. A true person obsessed with food would understand that. It's progress not perfection, and I made it 13 days. I secretly weighed myself too and lost about 6 pounds in 13 days which is incredible. I am pretty close to my goal weigh because I have watched my weight and exercised off any bad foods for the past two years. It is what it is. I will get back on track.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Day 11
Day 11
I am in an irrational state before you start to read this. I started to crave cookie dough today around 3pm when I had a conversation about "my eating well plan" with a friend, and I tried to explain to her that I am really addicted to cookie dough. I had this thought in my head about cookies and it wouldn't go away. So I decided to take a nap to get rid of the craving. It worked for the time being and then it was time for dinner. Green beans, salad, and a turkey burger, yummy. The craving came back a little bit and I told my roommate, " I am craving cookie dough." He said don't eat it. I then went to a meeting with friends to get rid of the cookie dough thoughts. I had the number 11 written on my hand and told my friend about my new journey. I told her I was craving cookie dough but like everyone else I don't think she "got it".
So I was driving home from the meeting and decided to go home. I prayed in the car to make the obsession for these foods to go awy. I texted a friend in FA and asked if she could talk but noone likes to talk this late. I was able to go get my computer because I thought I was going to write. Of course, my thoughts would not stop and off to the grocery store I went. How the whole process works for me is very slowly because I liked to be talked out of it. I could have got cookie dough but no I wanted to make it homemade, from scratch. Knowing I have recently given my dad all my baking goods and beaters. I got flour, sugar, brown sugar, eggs and butter, and knew I wanted some ice cream to go with it, I mean hey if I am going to binge I should go all out.
I get home, make the dough and wait. I wait for my phone to ring or for someone to stop me. I wait for my boyfriend to threaten our relationship, "I am going to break up with you if you eat cookie dough." Sad but true but food is a huge issue in my life and therefore, our relationship. I then made cookies but still had not even licked my fingers. I talked to him and told him I had not ate any yet and asked him to come over. He said "I am not responsible for your happiness." True but I wanted to be held so bad.
Next, my guy roommate walks in with a date and she asks all sorts of questions. I blurt out, "I have an eating disorder and don't want to talk about it, eat my cookies." She then said "can't you have just one." Oh, I wanted to punch her.. well not really but yell at her. Off I came up to my room to write and am going to attempt to go to bed. My roommate knows the routine and will throw it all out by morning. Down the drain $14 for a one hour event of something that didn't even happen. Luckily, I have day 12 tomorrow hopefully and a great story to tell on how I almost relapsed.
I feel this is due to the feelings of nervous, anxious, curious on how my trip to Ohio will go because I'm bringing the boyfriend home to meet my family. I am excited too but anxious at the same time. I am especially anxious I am going to relapse in Ohio anyways, so why not do it here on a Friday night when I am alone and lonely anyways. Oh forgot to mention, I weighed myself before I almost binged and have only lost a few pounds. My sponsor says I'll weigh after Ohio. Off to bed, prayer works I guess because I didn't binge today.
I am in an irrational state before you start to read this. I started to crave cookie dough today around 3pm when I had a conversation about "my eating well plan" with a friend, and I tried to explain to her that I am really addicted to cookie dough. I had this thought in my head about cookies and it wouldn't go away. So I decided to take a nap to get rid of the craving. It worked for the time being and then it was time for dinner. Green beans, salad, and a turkey burger, yummy. The craving came back a little bit and I told my roommate, " I am craving cookie dough." He said don't eat it. I then went to a meeting with friends to get rid of the cookie dough thoughts. I had the number 11 written on my hand and told my friend about my new journey. I told her I was craving cookie dough but like everyone else I don't think she "got it".
So I was driving home from the meeting and decided to go home. I prayed in the car to make the obsession for these foods to go awy. I texted a friend in FA and asked if she could talk but noone likes to talk this late. I was able to go get my computer because I thought I was going to write. Of course, my thoughts would not stop and off to the grocery store I went. How the whole process works for me is very slowly because I liked to be talked out of it. I could have got cookie dough but no I wanted to make it homemade, from scratch. Knowing I have recently given my dad all my baking goods and beaters. I got flour, sugar, brown sugar, eggs and butter, and knew I wanted some ice cream to go with it, I mean hey if I am going to binge I should go all out.
I get home, make the dough and wait. I wait for my phone to ring or for someone to stop me. I wait for my boyfriend to threaten our relationship, "I am going to break up with you if you eat cookie dough." Sad but true but food is a huge issue in my life and therefore, our relationship. I then made cookies but still had not even licked my fingers. I talked to him and told him I had not ate any yet and asked him to come over. He said "I am not responsible for your happiness." True but I wanted to be held so bad.
Next, my guy roommate walks in with a date and she asks all sorts of questions. I blurt out, "I have an eating disorder and don't want to talk about it, eat my cookies." She then said "can't you have just one." Oh, I wanted to punch her.. well not really but yell at her. Off I came up to my room to write and am going to attempt to go to bed. My roommate knows the routine and will throw it all out by morning. Down the drain $14 for a one hour event of something that didn't even happen. Luckily, I have day 12 tomorrow hopefully and a great story to tell on how I almost relapsed.
I feel this is due to the feelings of nervous, anxious, curious on how my trip to Ohio will go because I'm bringing the boyfriend home to meet my family. I am excited too but anxious at the same time. I am especially anxious I am going to relapse in Ohio anyways, so why not do it here on a Friday night when I am alone and lonely anyways. Oh forgot to mention, I weighed myself before I almost binged and have only lost a few pounds. My sponsor says I'll weigh after Ohio. Off to bed, prayer works I guess because I didn't binge today.
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