Dangit

I have had 4 day 1s in a row.. so now I am just going to take a time out from obsessing about restricting my food to an appropriate amount. I am such a food addict. This morning the cravings started at 7am. I finished off a half roll of leftover cookie dough, then at about 8am I went to the grocery store for cinnamon rolls but walked around wondering what I should eat for 10 minutes (the best part... the chase). I decided to get hot food from the grocery store bar including grits, biscuits, french toast and hashbrowns, all carbs. I get home, get yelled at by the boyfriend for eating badly but don't really care. He asks how he can help. Just let me do my thing, let me hit my bottom. I went apartment hunting and got candy at ever site, which was great. I got to go to my favorite restaurant in the entire world for Italian, and I got spaghetti and meatballs. Bad choice, I like white sauce, I should stick to what I know I like. I only like my mom's spaghetti sauce. Ate that. Then got pink berry and went out with a friend. I get home and go to the same grocery store for that day.. and get ice cream and a snickers for the ride home. I have already ate one bowl, soon going for the second. I called my mentor I told her I have no desire to watch what I eat tomorrow. She said she was sad to hear that but understood. I told her maybe I could call her later this week when I am better and wanting to get this more. Rough day. I did not throw up... unintentionally like I some times do when I eat so much I get so full that I throw up by accident. I want to hit my bottom. Urrr. Where is it? I am going to write the pros vs the cons of eating badly. The pros of eating badly are it tasting good, its a drug for me. The cons are I gain weight (15 pounds in 10 days), I can't fit into anything, I'm mean, I cannot control it, I become insane, I want to sleep, I don't want to see my friends, I cannot commit to anything, I'm lazy, I get uncomfortably full often, I throw up because I am so uncomfortably full, etc. It is never ending. I was 45 clean of bad foods. The withdrawal sucks.. but it's only like 4 or 5 days long.  Bed for me. Hope to get it some day!

Day 1-attempt 4

I relapsed tonight at 7pm after thinking about food all day, but knowing I wouldn't be able to work once I started to eat badly. Made it to 7pm and then stopped at Bojangles to get sweets, ate them on the road, followed by Salsaritas to get salts. I have a 40 minute ride home and finished both in that car ride. Came home, made cake, ate the batter while it was cooking. Then I put together ice cream, cake, and cookies left over from yesterday. I may quit my food plan. I want to research binge eating disorder and see what type of treatment I can get. Even though, I was abstinent and 45 days! I lost 17 pounds and have already gained back 15 of them. I felt disgusting at work. I was sweating more than I usually do, wearing frumpy looking clothes, and avoiding everyone. I want to turn my cell phone off and isolate. Today I hate life and I don't want to get back on the eating well wagon. I'd say I don't know how to but I have done it before. I wish I never would have relapsed at day 45. Dangit!

Day 1-attempt 3

I failed at 7pm and the craving was not even that big. What the heck? I am so mad. My friend told me to feel out all the emotions before I picked up but I didn't. I knew I would feel guilty but that cookie dough I thought would taste so good so I took the bite. I read my big book today and did quiet time and I still didn't make it. I made phone calls to my friends to. I was worrying about my ex for a few minutes today and maybe the feeling of worry helped me to eat. Day 1 is again tomorrow but I am not as confident as I was for today. I am really disappointed in myself.

Was day 43

So I was pretty abstinent and relapsed today. Went to target with the frame of mind to relapse. I even bought a reeses bar so I could relapse before I got home so I wouldn't chicken out while making my cookies. I feel so sick. Sweets make your crave salts. I texted my ex and asked him to come over and help me because I was a mess. My stomach kills. I am in pain. I want to never do this again and start my abstinence over again tomorrow. I wish I could pinpoint what happened, what went wrong but I do not know. I am thinking I went relationship to relationship and then to food today. I had a breakup one week ago and I guess it didn't hit me until today. The cookie dough, pizza and reeses didn't even taste good. I have called my support group to talk about it and I hope to start over tomorrow. I so a great weight on Friday and am scared I have gained 10 pounds with my binge today. I gave my scale to my roommate for the time being so I don't obsess. It sucks.

Around day 30

I am doing well with this new healthy lifestyle. I am eager to start exercising but I have barely anymore weight to lose, so why would I want to exercise? I want to tighten up, I mean I have lost some weight but it still isn't tight and firm. Sounds seductive but I mean it in a natural way.

I have decided that I love eggplant. I am still eating butternut squash but I get scared because it is a starch vegetable, so I wonder is it making me gain more? Anyways, I am glad the weight is coming off, fast too but more importantly, I am excited that my insane thinking has decreased to almost none. I don't hate myself either. I don't nap because I am so disappointed that I had a whole batch of cookie dough. I am definitely enjoying this new lifestyle.

Hamburgers/ground beef are delicious. I still haven't aced making chicken, but it's coming. Right now I am eating ground chicken and ground turkey a lot. I am also eating tuna with some mayo which I would eat every day but I know the mayo is a bad fat so I try to have it only a few times a week.

Another new favorite, the farmers market, love it. I spend about $18 in getting my fruits and veggies for the week so mostly just go to the store for meats. I am also loving my support system and people who are doing similar programs to what I am doing.

I am trying to avoid the questions at work, are you on a diet, do you not eat a lot, are you trying to lose weight. Or, we know you cannot go to lunch but we are celebrating.. a baby shower or a birthday, etc. So they know I try to eat well but I am not sure if they know why. Well they don't know why. I weighed myself last week too, and I have lost 14 pounds. I am starting to look in the mirror and think I look okay. Taken me a long time to get here. Being this clear headed, I find a lot of flaws with other people. It's interesting not obsessing about myself.

Day 20-30

I am trying not to count days because it just makes it a bigger deal and I don't want this to be a big deal. This is my new lifestyle. It's hard staying up past ten recently because I get low on energy. I am scared to start working out again because I am only consuming so many calories, that I cannot imagine having calories leave my body. I talked about it with my support and realized I am going to eat more when I work out. I also realized that if I am going to work out, it needs to be for appropriate reasons and not to lose more weight. For example, to get more fit, to stay healthy, to relieve stress.

I have lost some weight, I never really was that big but I have lost 14 pounds in one month which makes me happy. I can fit into most of my old clothes, and am able to put away some of my bigger sizes. I am not in the mood to be mean anymore because I really like myself. My naps are shorter when I even feel like taking them. I am liking this new lifestyle.

Day 14

Tomorrow I get to weigh myself for the first time. I am scared. Had a great meeting tonight with some fellow suffers who have had the same struggle as me. I am so glad that others have been through this. I made steak this week and it was five dollars and only got a serving and a half so I have realized that meat is expensive. Fruits are expensive too. I cut a whole pineapple and that didn't go well. I got two servings and it was very messy. I should have just bought the stuff in the container with the already cut pineapple. I have decided not to eat ranch because it is killing my stomach. I am so glad I have not had a craving in a few days.

Went to a baby shower at work today but came fashionably late and left a little early. So I didn't have to explain to anyone why I wasn't eating because obviously I had work to do at the office.

So I nervous to weigh in tomorrow. I want it to be a big number but with my scale I always add four pounds, because I have had this same scale for so long that when I weighed at the gym or doctors office it was always four pounds higher. Wish me luck tomorrow.