Day 1-attempt 3

I failed at 7pm and the craving was not even that big. What the heck? I am so mad. My friend told me to feel out all the emotions before I picked up but I didn't. I knew I would feel guilty but that cookie dough I thought would taste so good so I took the bite. I read my big book today and did quiet time and I still didn't make it. I made phone calls to my friends to. I was worrying about my ex for a few minutes today and maybe the feeling of worry helped me to eat. Day 1 is again tomorrow but I am not as confident as I was for today. I am really disappointed in myself.

Was day 43

So I was pretty abstinent and relapsed today. Went to target with the frame of mind to relapse. I even bought a reeses bar so I could relapse before I got home so I wouldn't chicken out while making my cookies. I feel so sick. Sweets make your crave salts. I texted my ex and asked him to come over and help me because I was a mess. My stomach kills. I am in pain. I want to never do this again and start my abstinence over again tomorrow. I wish I could pinpoint what happened, what went wrong but I do not know. I am thinking I went relationship to relationship and then to food today. I had a breakup one week ago and I guess it didn't hit me until today. The cookie dough, pizza and reeses didn't even taste good. I have called my support group to talk about it and I hope to start over tomorrow. I so a great weight on Friday and am scared I have gained 10 pounds with my binge today. I gave my scale to my roommate for the time being so I don't obsess. It sucks.

Around day 30

I am doing well with this new healthy lifestyle. I am eager to start exercising but I have barely anymore weight to lose, so why would I want to exercise? I want to tighten up, I mean I have lost some weight but it still isn't tight and firm. Sounds seductive but I mean it in a natural way.

I have decided that I love eggplant. I am still eating butternut squash but I get scared because it is a starch vegetable, so I wonder is it making me gain more? Anyways, I am glad the weight is coming off, fast too but more importantly, I am excited that my insane thinking has decreased to almost none. I don't hate myself either. I don't nap because I am so disappointed that I had a whole batch of cookie dough. I am definitely enjoying this new lifestyle.

Hamburgers/ground beef are delicious. I still haven't aced making chicken, but it's coming. Right now I am eating ground chicken and ground turkey a lot. I am also eating tuna with some mayo which I would eat every day but I know the mayo is a bad fat so I try to have it only a few times a week.

Another new favorite, the farmers market, love it. I spend about $18 in getting my fruits and veggies for the week so mostly just go to the store for meats. I am also loving my support system and people who are doing similar programs to what I am doing.

I am trying to avoid the questions at work, are you on a diet, do you not eat a lot, are you trying to lose weight. Or, we know you cannot go to lunch but we are celebrating.. a baby shower or a birthday, etc. So they know I try to eat well but I am not sure if they know why. Well they don't know why. I weighed myself last week too, and I have lost 14 pounds. I am starting to look in the mirror and think I look okay. Taken me a long time to get here. Being this clear headed, I find a lot of flaws with other people. It's interesting not obsessing about myself.

Day 20-30

I am trying not to count days because it just makes it a bigger deal and I don't want this to be a big deal. This is my new lifestyle. It's hard staying up past ten recently because I get low on energy. I am scared to start working out again because I am only consuming so many calories, that I cannot imagine having calories leave my body. I talked about it with my support and realized I am going to eat more when I work out. I also realized that if I am going to work out, it needs to be for appropriate reasons and not to lose more weight. For example, to get more fit, to stay healthy, to relieve stress.

I have lost some weight, I never really was that big but I have lost 14 pounds in one month which makes me happy. I can fit into most of my old clothes, and am able to put away some of my bigger sizes. I am not in the mood to be mean anymore because I really like myself. My naps are shorter when I even feel like taking them. I am liking this new lifestyle.