Dangit

I have had 4 day 1s in a row.. so now I am just going to take a time out from obsessing about restricting my food to an appropriate amount. I am such a food addict. This morning the cravings started at 7am. I finished off a half roll of leftover cookie dough, then at about 8am I went to the grocery store for cinnamon rolls but walked around wondering what I should eat for 10 minutes (the best part... the chase). I decided to get hot food from the grocery store bar including grits, biscuits, french toast and hashbrowns, all carbs. I get home, get yelled at by the boyfriend for eating badly but don't really care. He asks how he can help. Just let me do my thing, let me hit my bottom. I went apartment hunting and got candy at ever site, which was great. I got to go to my favorite restaurant in the entire world for Italian, and I got spaghetti and meatballs. Bad choice, I like white sauce, I should stick to what I know I like. I only like my mom's spaghetti sauce. Ate that. Then got pink berry and went out with a friend. I get home and go to the same grocery store for that day.. and get ice cream and a snickers for the ride home. I have already ate one bowl, soon going for the second. I called my mentor I told her I have no desire to watch what I eat tomorrow. She said she was sad to hear that but understood. I told her maybe I could call her later this week when I am better and wanting to get this more. Rough day. I did not throw up... unintentionally like I some times do when I eat so much I get so full that I throw up by accident. I want to hit my bottom. Urrr. Where is it? I am going to write the pros vs the cons of eating badly. The pros of eating badly are it tasting good, its a drug for me. The cons are I gain weight (15 pounds in 10 days), I can't fit into anything, I'm mean, I cannot control it, I become insane, I want to sleep, I don't want to see my friends, I cannot commit to anything, I'm lazy, I get uncomfortably full often, I throw up because I am so uncomfortably full, etc. It is never ending. I was 45 clean of bad foods. The withdrawal sucks.. but it's only like 4 or 5 days long.  Bed for me. Hope to get it some day!

Day 1-attempt 4

I relapsed tonight at 7pm after thinking about food all day, but knowing I wouldn't be able to work once I started to eat badly. Made it to 7pm and then stopped at Bojangles to get sweets, ate them on the road, followed by Salsaritas to get salts. I have a 40 minute ride home and finished both in that car ride. Came home, made cake, ate the batter while it was cooking. Then I put together ice cream, cake, and cookies left over from yesterday. I may quit my food plan. I want to research binge eating disorder and see what type of treatment I can get. Even though, I was abstinent and 45 days! I lost 17 pounds and have already gained back 15 of them. I felt disgusting at work. I was sweating more than I usually do, wearing frumpy looking clothes, and avoiding everyone. I want to turn my cell phone off and isolate. Today I hate life and I don't want to get back on the eating well wagon. I'd say I don't know how to but I have done it before. I wish I never would have relapsed at day 45. Dangit!